George Carlin is one of my favorite comedians because he tells jokes in a unique way. He’s not afraid to say things that are funny but might be considered rude or inappropriate. Even though he’s not with us anymore, his famous quotes still inspire us today.
George Carlin used his humor to make fun of things that didn’t make sense in our world. His jokes were so clever that they made people laugh and think at the same time. He joked about politics, religion, and how people act. George Carlin quotes are full of smart and funny ideas.
In this article, we’ll talk about some of George Carlin’s best quotes and the ideas behind them. So get comfortable, and let’s enjoy and learn from George Carlin’s wit and wisdom.
Who is George Carlin
George Carlin was an American comedian, writer, and social critic who became known for his irreverent humor, insightful commentary, and sharp wit. Throughout his career, Carlin released over 20 comedy albums, authored several books and appeared in numerous films and television shows.
Here are a few interesting facts about Carlin:
- Carlin was once arrested for performing his “Seven Dirty Words” routine, which led to a landmark Supreme Court case on obscenity in broadcasting.
- Carlin was an avid reader and considered himself an autodidact. He was especially interested in language and often played with words in his routines.
- He was inducted into the Comedy Hall of Fame in 1994 and received the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor in 2008, just a few months before his death.
- Carlin was a voice actor in the Pixar film Cars, playing the character of Fillmore.
- He once said, “I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so f**king heroic.”
Most Iconic Quotes by George Carlin
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, and men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
The planet is fine. The people are f**ked.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
That’s why they call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so f**kin’ heroic.
Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
I don’t have pet peeves. I have major psychotic f**king hatred.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bulls**t they teach you in school.
He – and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he because no woman could or would ever f**k things up this badly.
I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently, I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.
Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.
We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.
When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ‘You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.
Some Famous George Carlin Quotes
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to f*ck.
Although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle-class and lower-class men off to die.
Bulls**t is truly the American soundtrack.
When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front-row seat.
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelet?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
‘Bipartisan’ usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.
My advice: just keep moving straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
Weather forecast for tonight: is dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
Things you never hear: ‘Please stop sucking my d*ck or I’ll call the police.
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot’s hands.
Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
It’s important in life if you don’t give a s**t. It can help you a lot.
Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
People always tell me ‘Have a nice day.’ Well, what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both f**ked.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, ‘Trajedi.’
Wrapping up: Best George Carlin Quotes
George Carlin was more than just a comedian; he was a social commentator, philosopher, and satirist. His quotes not only made us laugh but also challenged our assumptions and made us think critically about the world around us.
Whether he was riffing on politics, religion, or the foibles of human behavior, George Carlin’s wit and insight were always on full display.
So the next time you need a good laugh or a dose of wisdom, remember the words of George Carlin.
