Laughter is said to be the best medicine and for decades. He was known for his clever jokes and funny one-liners, which have influenced many other comedians and still make people laugh today.
Whether you’re a fan of classic stand-up comedy or simply looking for a good laugh, Henny Youngman quotes are sure to tickle your funny bone.
In this article, we’ll take a closer look at the life and legacy of the legendary comedian, and explore some of his most famous and timeless quotes. So sit back, relax, and get ready to laugh out loud as we delve into the world of Henny Youngman.
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Who is Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman was a famous American comedian known for his one-liner jokes. He was best known for his quick wit and clever puns, and his catchphrase “Take my wife… please!” became a cultural touchstone. Youngman’s influence on the world of comedy is still felt today, and his legacy continues to inspire new generations of comedians.
Here are some lesser-known facts about Henny Youngman:
- Henny Youngman’s real name was Henry Yungman. He changed it to Henny Youngman when he started performing in show business.
- Youngman was a trained musician and played the violin. He often incorporated music into his comedy routines.
- He was a prolific writer of jokes and wrote over 200,000 during his lifetime.
- In addition to his comedy career, Youngman also appeared in several films, including the classic comedy “Goodfellas.”
- He was a frequent guest on “The Ed Sullivan Show” and made over 70 appearances on the program.
- In 1986, Youngman was awarded a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame for his contributions to the entertainment industry.
Most Famous Henny Youngman Quotes
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for 41 years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
I’m offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.
Every time I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
I said to my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’ She said, ‘I want to go somewhere I’ve never been before.’ I said, ‘Try the kitchen.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.
A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife’s bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!
While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.” She said, “We can’t do that!” I told her, “You did it last week!
Some people ask about the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, “You’re crazy” The man says, “I want a second opinion!” “Okay, you’re ugly too!”
Humorous Quotes by Henny Youngman
When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.
My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Take my wife… please!
Psychiatrists say that 1 in 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you’re it.
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
I call my lawyer and say, ‘Can I ask you two questions?’ He says, ‘What’s the second question?’
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but can she climb a tree?
Best Henny Youngman Quotes
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.
When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.
The patient says, “Doctor, it hurts when I do this.” The doctor says, “Then don’t do that!
Nurse: “Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office”. Doctor: “Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.”
When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch up my X-rays.
We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.
If at first, you don’t succeed… So much for skydiving.
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There is water in the carburetor.” I said, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In the lake.
A man walks into a library and says, ‘I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.
Dancing on pointe…Why don’t they just get taller girls?
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it’s light, she starts to eat.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
Most women are attracted to simple things in life. Like men.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Some Witty Henny Youngman Quotes
- My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
- My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.
- A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
- The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once… Do you know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
- In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman – go see what they want!
- My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
- Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
- A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? “I was ironing, and the phone rang!” “What about the other ear?” “Had to call the doctor!”
- Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.” She said, “We can’t do that!” I told her, “You did it last week!”
- A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
- When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch up my X-rays.
- My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.
- I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won’t let me plug it in.
- My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
- A doctor says to a man, “You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day.” Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, “How is your love life since you have been running?” “I don’t know, I’m 140 miles away!”
- My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
- The Doctor says, “You’ll live to be 60!” “I AM 60!” “See, what did I tell you?”
- The usual way – a little wine, a little dinner.
- We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.
- When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, “Give me a table near a waiter.
- I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.
- Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed – it was a Chinese restaurant!
- I miss my wife’s cooking – as often as I can.
- I’ve got two wonderful children – and two out of five isn’t too bad.
- A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
- All my wife does is shop – once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
- When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.
- A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? “It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!”
- I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
- A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
- She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” “No, jump in!”
What are your thoughts on Henny Youngman Quotes?
We hope you’ve enjoyed this collection of Henny Youngman’s best one-liners and witty quotes.
Which one was your favorite? Let us know in the comments below, and don’t forget to share these hilarious quotes with your friends and family to brighten their day with some good humor.